Being alone by yourself in the bush for 8+ hrs a day is
certainly a good way to help you identify your neuroses and if you already knew
what they were then it is a good way to get to know them really really well and
hopefully with that knowledge accept and disarm them. As I have already been
trying to accept, love and disarm the deeply ingrained beliefs that I need to
be, do and have better and the need to follow the little voice inside my head
that speaks for society, my past lives, friends and family, I find them
incessantly nattering at me now that I am alone. Though I have gotten to know
this pattern well the ability to love and disarm seems to be taking me much longer
(and there it is again like a vicious circle). In this beautiful and serene
place I find myself alone and scared, strong and fearless. The dichotomy that
lives within me is powerful beyond belief and in my own stubborn way I choose
to witness it alone. I think sometimes it must be hell to have me as a cook and
I think other times how blessed I am to do this and provide delicious and
nutritious food for everyone here.
Currently I am reading a book on raising our consciousness
to a higher level, my mind constantly questions the legitimate way to do this.
If it is our story and we are the only ones to blame for it when do we change
our way of being. How do we admit that we are emitting negative energy, taking
responsibility for it and yet not use this as an excuse for emitting these
energies? I know these things take time and they often get worse before they
get better, but sometimes I have a hard time believing it.
Where have I come from and where am I going to? What place
have I created for myself on this planet of ours? How can I be cooking for
people who are searching for gold when I disagree with the ideas of mining and
yet part of me would be overjoyed if
someone were to give me a pair of gold earrings? Will the dishes ever end? Oh
so many questions run through my mind and as I watch the leaves drop and try to
meditate and master my mind, it simply lashes back with more nasty things to
say. But then I look at the leaves again and listen to the birds sing and all
is beautiful and blissful.
This weekend was particularly awesome because Grant, the
camp’s owner, brought up his two super cute daughters; Payton, 7 and Avery, 5.
It is interesting how in going through all my mental garbage, two little girls
can be so easy to connect with. Inquisitive and joyful, I absolutely loved
playing with them and having them help me around the kitchen. Their ability to
make something out of nothing and show how they feel no matter what is truly
inspiring. I do so hope I will see them again.
From the sunny autumn leaved forests of North Western
Ontario, I send you all my love.
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