Sunday, October 2, 2011

From the banks of my muddy mind

Being alone by yourself in the bush for 8+ hrs a day is certainly a good way to help you identify your neuroses and if you already knew what they were then it is a good way to get to know them really really well and hopefully with that knowledge accept and disarm them. As I have already been trying to accept, love and disarm the deeply ingrained beliefs that I need to be, do and have better and the need to follow the little voice inside my head that speaks for society, my past lives, friends and family, I find them incessantly nattering at me now that I am alone. Though I have gotten to know this pattern well the ability to love and disarm seems to be taking me much longer (and there it is again like a vicious circle). In this beautiful and serene place I find myself alone and scared, strong and fearless. The dichotomy that lives within me is powerful beyond belief and in my own stubborn way I choose to witness it alone. I think sometimes it must be hell to have me as a cook and I think other times how blessed I am to do this and provide delicious and nutritious food for everyone here.

Currently I am reading a book on raising our consciousness to a higher level, my mind constantly questions the legitimate way to do this. If it is our story and we are the only ones to blame for it when do we change our way of being. How do we admit that we are emitting negative energy, taking responsibility for it and yet not use this as an excuse for emitting these energies? I know these things take time and they often get worse before they get better, but sometimes I have a hard time believing it.

Where have I come from and where am I going to? What place have I created for myself on this planet of ours? How can I be cooking for people who are searching for gold when I disagree with the ideas of mining and yet part of me would be overjoyed  if someone were to give me a pair of gold earrings? Will the dishes ever end? Oh so many questions run through my mind and as I watch the leaves drop and try to meditate and master my mind, it simply lashes back with more nasty things to say. But then I look at the leaves again and listen to the birds sing and all is beautiful and blissful.

This weekend was particularly awesome because Grant, the camp’s owner, brought up his two super cute daughters; Payton, 7 and Avery, 5. It is interesting how in going through all my mental garbage, two little girls can be so easy to connect with. Inquisitive and joyful, I absolutely loved playing with them and having them help me around the kitchen. Their ability to make something out of nothing and show how they feel no matter what is truly inspiring. I do so hope I will see them again.

From the sunny autumn leaved forests of North Western Ontario, I send you all my love.

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