Thursday, March 1, 2012

Letting go and embracing the opportunities

Well I know this has been a long time coming and some of you already know the news and others perhaps have sensed it, so hear it goes, it is true I have returned to Canada from Africa and after a month of wallowing and questioning my decision, damn am I happy I chose to come back. It has taken me this long to write and let you all know I chose to return because of both fear and guilt. Guilt that I had abandoned my dreams and some how let everyone down and fear that I made the wrong choice and that everyone would say “what do you mean you are back in Calgary?” But I have reached the point where I am happy with where I am and know it was the right choice for me at this time. I know Africa will always be there and I have no doubt I will return but for what I wish to accomplish in my life right now here in Canada is where I want to be.

So I am sure my other messages gave you some idea of why I returned; getting really ill twice was definitely a sign that something was wrong, running out of money way faster than I thought makes it a little challenging to live anywhere even in Africa, not having any direction after the Malawi wwoofing opportunity fell through left me a little lost, wanting to dance, stroll about under the moon light, meditate and talk spirituality with other humans was not happening in Dar. So many lessons were learned along the way. I realized just how impulsive I can be, not even my 12 tattoos and many piercings had taught me that and as much as I like to be a lone Lynx I do need a support network that understands life from my perspective. I also discovered I really need to learn to set up better boundaries while trusting spirit and having patience for myself and others thanks to the non-profit i tried to work for with no success. Futhermore I accept with more certainty we can not save anyone, we can help support them but they must do their own work. This thought has given me the most trouble of late as I have lived most of my life wanting to better the world, after all isn’t that what all of us Aquarians are supposed to want to do. But how do we help the world without saving it? I have a feeling I will be working on this one for a long time! I am not leaving Africa behind, It is always in my heart and once I find a more reasonable, financially feasible way to travel and help there I will be back but I don’t know if it will ever be to live as I had always thought it would. Whether it was a romanticizing of the continent or a past life connection or some karmic agreement I just don’t know if the stress of living there is worth it. I definitely do not wish to become some bitter hardened old expat.

On a brighter note, while I have been contemplating all of this stuff I have been filling my life with all the things I love; conscious dance, meditative movement, hooping, yoga, meditation, reading, eating delicious food, dinner parties, playing with my cousins little girls, energy healing, enjoying the freedom to do whatever I like that we are so lucky to have hear. In fact Calgary actually seems pretty decent to me at the moment. We have everything here, life is stable, there are jobs, the mountains are nearby and it is so clean. I have also been enjoying the idea that I am at a completely open point in my life and I can go anywhere and do anything but I am also plagued with the thought what if I choose the wrong path? So I am moving slowly, enjoying this time, doing as much healing and introspective work as I can and I have decided to go to U of C this summer to do some classes to boost my gpa and get some prereqs for some programs I have been looking into. I am super excited to go to summer school and fill my head with all sorts of wonderful knowledge. It shall be a summer of psych, indigenous studies, stats and folk fests, and hopefully a sweet part time job.

Love you all