Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Apprentice week two: get me the fuck out of here

I have finally done it, after two weeks of uncertainty and horrific nightmares, I have decided to leave my apprenticeship. This week was brutal to say the very least, some of it great and some of it bad. Many realizations occurred, especially around my feelings and my tendencies to rebel against authority figures. I learned about many plants and remedies and an interesting theory called “feeling twins”. It says that each of us at birth or early in life choose a feeling twin; either abandoned-safe, betrayed-trustworthy, not good enough-good enough, deprived-abundance and we live our lives based on these things. If we can figure out which one we are we will be able to tell others we have relationships with what we truly need. A way to figure this out is to think about what we do to people who hurt us or what we do when we are scared. This is often our feeling twin. I am still trying to work out whether I am abandoned-safe or betrayed-trustworthy, as I often abandon things and people, but I also have very little trust in myself and others. Despite all this new wisdom or perhaps because of it, I have been able to identify what feels right to me with the aid of my Tarot deck and that is to get out of dodge.

Some other help came from watching another teacher. This weekend we had an amazing workshop with Z Budapest, a truly amazing woman who has made major changes for the feminist movement and the goddess in her 70 years. A high priestess and tarot master and beautiful soul, She has the wisdom of the crone and the compassion of a grandmother. She taught us how to read tarot in an amazing and truly intuitive way. We also learned about some major astrological events in our lives, the three (or four if you are really lucky) Saturn returns which occur every 30 years and changes our destinies. This results in major confusion for the 2-4 years before this time (26-30, 56-60, 86-90) and the best way to deal with it is to take immaculate care of our sacred spouses (aka our bodies) and have faith it will all reveal itself. The other two changes are the reversal at 45, when many people completely flip everything in their lives and the Chiron return every 50 years which brings great turmoil from 50-52 years. I can’t wait to get a hold of one of her books!!!

Know don’t get me wrong, Susun is an amazing teacher with so much knowledge that she offers to apprentices, but it she is not for everyone. Her ability to live with all her passion is remarkable. However I am looking for something different. I would strongly recommend anyone to truly think before they commit to study with Susun and if they are in doubt, just go for it!! You will know if it is meant for you, right away and you will definitely learn something!!!

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